I thrive and live in this millennium – what does it mean to me? Everything is about conveniences and facilities…

• I can choose to not notice the change of seasons – as the airconditioned home and office always keeps me cosy.
• I can choose to not walk across to my friends or relatives house, as a click of a social messenger application or a mobile phone does it all for me
• I can choose to not clean my house and kitchen with my hands as robots take over the cleaning and machines do the washing.
• I can choose to not lift anything heavy, as there are power tools, mechanical gadgets that take the burden off my shoulder.
• I can choose to not even put effort on the steering wheel of my car! The Power Steering does it all for me.
• The forests and natural landscapes are disappearing, the green patches getting more artificial, so I don’t have to ‘watch’ my every step as I enjoy a stroll or a run.

Oh!! Life is such a breeze on these fronts and even a step back would feel like we have gone into the Dark Ages. Most of us would share this sentiment – isn’t it?

My mother was a home maker all her life. I remember seeing my mother working in the kitchen when I was growing up, fixing up 3 meals a day for a family of 9 – my father, my 3 siblings, my grandparents and my Master who lived with us. She would do every chore with her hands – no machines, no electric tools, nothing. She would knead dough with her fingers, cut vegetables with a simple knife, whisk or whip with her hands, grind with a mortar and pestle for hours at times depending on what she was grinding, wash utensils under a running tap water, broom, mop, iron …the list went on. And this went on for decades, 3 times a day and at times almost round the clock, across her 30s, then in her 50s and then her 70s and she was always active, vibrant and full of life.

Today as I sit on this side of our technical evolution, I could only marvel and bow my head to the physical activities my mother would do just staying at home. The kitchen was her gym and how it supported her and kept her motivated. I don’t remember one single instance when she would not be around to feed us on time or when she would be tired to go to the kitchen or when the kitchen was left untended. It was almost like the kitchen was her place of worship – a place that gave her physical, mental and emotional well-being. For me, however, she was the goddess in the temple! Forever loving, caring, tending, smiling and nurturing!!

There were a few occasions when the world around her would try her patience – when I would not like the taste of something she cooked or would cry in hunger or would just be naughty! This is when the goddess would tend to get angry – I say tend, as I could read her body language, but I never heard her raise her voice. My young mind would recognize the tension in her, and I would put up my best behaviour.

Now I was 14years old and would question everything, challenge everyone and argue with any excuse. I was discussing something with my father and very quickly it transitioned into an argument – my father was an epitome of patience and he kept trying to show me sense. My mother was busy in the kitchen and was a quiet audience to this father-son ‘verbal duel’. She hoped I would see sense but when I refused to back off after 30minutes, she came out of the kitchen angry – very angry – I had not seen her like this before! She walked to me and said, “Enough – you forget whom you are speaking to. You could be young and smart, but remember, he is your father. Never forget that!” Saying this, she turned and went back into the kitchen. Something in her eyes and her words struck me and I apologized to my father thus ending the debate – almost like I had applied hard brakes on a car at 100km/hr. I finished my dinner and went looking for my mother in the kitchen. She was busy with some preparatory work for next morning’s breakfast. I apologized. She turned to look at me and here I was looking into my mother’s loving and nurturing eyes once again.

I asked, “You were so angry with me a few hours back. Was that real or is this real?”

She said, “I am not angry, my son. I just wanted you to realize that you were crossing the line with your father – an action you will only regret tomorrow.”

She continued, “I never stay angry for more than 5minutes (metaphorically). All the work I do in the kitchen keeps me grounded, settled and in love. If I continue working in the kitchen in anger, the food I cook will be poison for you. The taste will not be the same and the nourishment it should give you would have burnt in the acid of anger. I would have worked equally hard today as any other day, but the result would be entirely different. Not to mention the fact, that it will also impact me physically building negativity and poison within me, destroying the peace of my home. It is too heavy a price to pay. Remember, anger is an emotion ready to consume you and push you back a few steps physically, mentally and emotionally – always. My way of dealing with it is to focus on my kitchen chores and drown anger while I work here. While I am a home maker, I am a good businesswoman. I do not invest in something that gives me a negative return and anger just does that. Why should I invest in anger?” I hugged her and absorbed his priceless learning in my soul, as she fondly hugged me back.

This has stayed with me till date – something I would cherish and pass on to my future generation. When angry, physical activity of some kind is an effective antidote.

Now, let us go back to what I started with – the conveniences of today’s world. Don’t you think this lifestyle is primarily sedentary? On a day to day basis, I don’t move around a lot, I don’t flex my muscles, I don’t lift things, I don’t get the opportunity to use my limbs as extensively as our forefathers did. I do not have an opportunity to do what my mother did – kill anger at the bud by combating it with physical chores at home.

When I would feel low or get angry, I tend to drown myself in thoughts, hoping that after a long contemplation, the feeling will go away and I will find my answers. Or worse, I would browse my phone or browse the television. And then, if I mistimed the browsing and watch something that only adds to this negativity, the downward spiral gathers momentum.

I realized very quickly that my current solutions were not effective enough and do not give me a guaranteed result, I resorted to the advice my mother gave me 30years ago.

Step 1: It all starts with Realization that

1. Anger is not your friend
2. Anger is not your defence
3. Anger does not help you gain advantage in any situation
4. Anger alienates you from the world around you
5. Anger clouds your sense of judgement
6. Anger feeds on your patience and depletes it irrevocably
7. Anger is a monster ready to devour you at the smallest excuse
8. Anger is a slow-acting poison that tastes like nectar

Step 2: Combat anger with physical activity yielding a creative output

1. At home:
   1. Grind or Whisk ingredients with a mortar/pestle or hand beater initially. You can switch to a machine to give it the finishing touch – Output is a mix that you will use to cook something delicious.
   2. Give your dishwasher a rest. Wash your utensils with hand under running water. Output is a sparkling kitchenware you washed yourself. It is satisfying!
   3. Rearrange your wardrobe or kitchen cabinets occasionally – you will have a new setup and it is as exciting as moving into a new house.
   4. Vacuum or even better, sweep and mop the floors yourself. It is therapeutic and leaves you with a good feeling when you sit down after this tiring chore.
   5. Find things to clean at home which typically do not get cleaned periodically – light shades, door panels, window blinds, door channels, high corners of the ceilings, garage artefacts, upholsteries…you get the drift! The house just feels cleaner.
   6. Tend to your garden – this is a massive stress buster! Plants calm you down and in turn you give them a nice weed-free and watered soil to thrive in.
   7. Wash your car yourself – shampooing, scrubbing and drying off all with your hands. The sparkling car is a reward to yourself.
   8. Buy some lego challenges and build them – start with 500-piece lego sets and step up slowly to thousand-piece sets. Proudly display your artwork to everyone!
2. At work:
   1. Go for a Walk – think of someone or something that makes you smile. Avoid calling them up at this stage. The very realization that you can smile diffuses anger and gratitude sets in.
   2. Keep a small plant if possible, at your desk – water it and tend to it regularly.
   3. Take the stairs as and when possible – do this safely and consciously and only if your physical and mental state allows you.
   4. Walk to the water station and drink some water – not too hot and not too cold. Avoid caffeine or tea. Sip on the water slowly, contemplating on the situation that has caused your anger.
   5. Play a quick game – foosball, badminton, tennis, table tennis…. whatever your office offers.
   6. Take a shower if your office has the facility – it will cool you down and you will come out fresh as a flower.

Does this excite you – it sure excited me!! I marvel at how easy it is to defeat and kill anger!!  How we have the solutions right under our nose?! I am spoilt for choice to be honest and I avail these choices as and when I must, liberally and unabashedly!

Life is all about abundance – anger obstructs abundance. Dispel it from your life and bask in a life that only has place for Love, Learning, Gratitude, Peace and Well-Being.

As you avail these choices and conquer anger…Enjoy Life, Stay Healthy and Stress-Free!!

I had been to a party the other day and I was part of a conversation on anger and love. Ramesh who is one of my closest acquaintances narrated the below story. I am keeping the narration in first person so that you can experience first-hand what was told....

I had been to a party the other day and I was part of a conversation on anger and love. Ramesh who is one of my closest acquaintances narrated the below story. I am keeping the narration in first person so that you can experience first-hand what was told.

"My father was a very intimidating person. He had a big booming voice, highly principled and very strict. He had a personal code of ethics that he followed quite strictly and was quite vocal about anyone not adhering to those codes. It also meant, me his son, would have to follow in those footsteps. An alternate lifestyle was never an option for me in his eyes.

Ever since my childhood I remember my father as a very angry person. My memories of him have always been of someone who was quick to anger and someone who had a very strong opinion on all matters. I remember growing up terrified of him. When I was 14, he lost his job and his bitterness only increased. Childhood with my father around was never fun.

I learnt to lie and evade his wrath, but my frustration started coming out when I picked fights with neighbourhood kids. I remember one time when I beat up one of my close friends so badly in school that he needed stiches. I was suspended for 3 days from school. Suffice to say, my father was not very happy with me.

As I grew older and picked up a job, I remember being elated because I felt I did not have to feel answerable to him and could do what I wanted. I started leading a carefree life, kept my own hours and stayed away from home as long as possible. This further alienated me from him and the times we were together all we did was fight. I was earning my way through life and was now “old enough” to argue with him and at times outright negated my father.

One day, my father fell suddenly ill and I remember being at home. We rushed him to the hospital, and he was diagnosed with failed kidneys. We were all very shocked that day.

Over the course of his illness, I got an opportunity to spend a lot of time with him taking care of him, taking him to the doctor and just sitting with him. We had opportunities to share our feelings and discussed things for the first time in my life, instead of arguing we talked and were able to understand each other very well.

I understood a lot about him. His aspirations, the fact that he wanted to go into the army only to have his mother turn it down. His doing a job which kept him apart from his family that hurt him a lot, the feeling of helplessness when he lost his job with 2 children and a wife to feed. I went back to those bleak times and realized how much my parents worked hard to educate my sister and I and just put food on the table. I remember days when my sister and I would have dinner and my parents for some reason or the other would forego dinner or eat very little.

The days before his death were very revealing to me and I suddenly realized I was not angry at him anymore. His disease was financially very draining on the family and we were in a lot of debt. However, my only focus was to make him healthy. Towards the end, he was slowly losing his memory. One incident served to remind me of how much he loved me.

He had to make a trip to a government office to sign-over some papers to me. I remember the registrar asking him if he knew who he was signing the documents over to, he looked straight at me and said “Of course I know. These are for my son here and everything I have is his”. Even in the fading light of his mind, he was clear on how much I meant to him. I cried that full night.

He passed away 5 years since we found each other, but I was happy that the only feeling I am left with after my father passed was love. I do regret causing him a lot of grief once I grew up but at the end, we were closer than ever.

Anger and bitterness kept me and my father apart for most of my life and love brought us together."

All of us who were listening to Ramesh were deeply moved and fell into a deep thought.

The story I heard was a lesson in the power of love and the futility of anger. It was like a turning point in my life that prompted me to put on a different lens and evaluate my behaviour, specially the times when I would get angry.

• How I took everyone around me for granted
• How I believed that force and anger were key drivers to proving my point and gaining an upper hand
• How anger had become an action and was no longer just a reaction
• How I was sliding down the path of self-destruction, sowing the seeds for discord and distrust on the way
• How at times, I had caused havoc as anger made me lose control on my emotions

I did not want to end up telling such stories, like Ramesh, in the future. I realized that I had to break free from anger. Was there an easy answer? ABSOLUTELY YES! All I had to was TAKE CONTROL AND BREAK THIS MINDSET.

I reached out to my mentor and discussed the turmoil within me. He said, “the key lies in embracing the two guiding principles: LOVE and LEARNING”

LOVE – The path to happiness:

“I’m a success today because I had a friend who believed in me and I didn’t have the heart to let him down.” – Abraham Lincoln

I started with my childhood and made a list of people who have contributed in making me who I am.

• My parents who sacrificed so much and all they had to give me was love.
• My wife who stands by me every single second of my life
• My friends and relatives who are always there for me

I looked at the legacy I was left behind and the greatest treasure I had was love.  I am what I am because of the love that I received and nothing else – this is in the foundation of my being. I resolved to never take them for granted.

This thought has only grown stronger and over time anger as a tool and emotion has become weaker and weaker.  The feeling of living in love supersedes everything and acts as a positive charge in making me more successful as a person and as a professional.

Be a Student: Learning keeps you young, Learning keeps you thriving

“Any fool can know. The point is to understand.” –Albert Einstein

I realized that I always felt that I had learnt what I had to learn – by this I mean my education. Education and Learning are not synonyms.  Anyone who tried to show me a new way or a new perspective was not welcome in my world. Anger would drive my response and force me not to understand anyone and that made me arrogant and disrespectful at times.

My mentor asked me to tell myself “STOP! STOP! STOP! LISTEN! LISTEN! LISTEN!!!” every time I start feeling angry and to focus and listen to the person in front of me.

Now every time I sense I am getting angry; I focus on my breath and listen to what the person in front of me is saying. It has made me more accepting of another person’s truth and thus, appreciate differing viewpoints. This mindset has made me a more patient person and less prone to anger.

I have been practicing this for the last few years and it has resulted in me moving away from an argumentative mindset to a discussion mindset.

These two simple changes have made me a better person at home and at work and the best thing is – I am at peace with myself.

Friends, what I narrated was a story that I wanted to share in the hope that it resonates with you, as it did with me. Anger is a monster that can be defeated easily with Love and Learning. Love and learning have the power to transcend everything and just realizing the goodness around us is enough to combat anger and break its backbone – all it needs is the featherlight stroke of Love and Learning.

As you carry this feather going forward, Stay Healthy and Stress-free!

Picturise me as an eight-year-old! I do not remember a lot of my day to day happenings, but I remember the range of reactions I would display to confirm to everyone around me that “I was angry” –

• A cold treatment where I would boycott any communication with people around me
• An outburst where I would leave myself and people around me embarrassed
• Arguing or debating my point and walking out of the conversation if the need be to follow it up with a cold treatment – and the vicious cycle would trap me for the next few hours or days

Oh, what a theatre I would play and how I exceled at it!

The Theatrical Art form identifies 9 forms of human expressions – Love, Laughter, Sorrow, Courage, Fear, Disgust, Surprise, Peace and Anger. The human emotions are depicted in various degrees of these nine states. Since these are ‘acceptable’ ways of depicting what the state of mind is, Anger is also considered acceptable.

We are taught from our childhood that it is better to express anger than to keep it bottled up inside – this will keep us healthy! Today when I look back, I wonder how I survived all these years where I would express emotions ranging from displeasure to fury and pride myself of being ‘honest to expression’. Today when I relive some of the situations where anger was my only weapon, I cannot ignore the after- effects where I would find myself exhausted and at times even sick with acid reflux or migraine or high blood pressure. I would take this as normal – comforting myself with the explanation that as I vented out the negativity, the physical symptoms were a natural closure to the state.

Today as an adult, when I try to write down the various triggers that make me angry, they seem to derive a fixed set of root causes:

1. I have set expectations from others and they do not meet them befittingly
2. Conduct of people around me does not fit the mould I adhere to
3. People are closed to listening to new ideas and different viewpoints
4. When I work hard and do not get the expected / desired result
5. Lack of honesty and integrity in the world around me

I can list down a few more causes but when I look closely at the above, I realize these boil down to one Root Cause – Expectations from self and others. Let me share an anecdote that was the trigger point for this contemplation.

I had gone to India on vacation and after a heat filled fortnight travelling various cities, I reached exhausted and tired to a sleepy mountain town called Palampur in Himachal Pradesh.  It is important to mention here that I have been born and brought up in India so I am very familiar with the culture, traditions, sensibilities and ways of life there – you would agree that while it is one experience to be a traveller on the boat, it is very different to watch the boat sail past as you stand on the shore. So, while I was living in India, everything there was a part of life and hence acceptable, warranting adjustments and neutrality. However, since I had been out of the country for more than 12years, my frame of reference had changed dramatically keeping up with the momentum of the changing times. The land that I had grown up in had vanished and now it was replaced with a land that was not too different from the rest of the planet. The feeling I had was one of loss and unfamiliarity as if a treasure in my heart had been stolen.

I reached Palampur with a feeling of anger at this loss which was further aggravated by the fact that something went wrong with the hotel reservation that had gone missing in their books! The number of hotels in that little town were less than a dozen and being the season for tourists, I could not find myself another hotel room. As I walked out disappointed from the last hotel, my driver who was ferrying me around for the past six hours whispered softly with some trepidation – “Sir, I know of a place where you will be welcomed as family and you can stay as long as you want. It is not a hotel but a spiritual setup where there are rooms to stay, halls to meditate, books to read, gardens to roam and tend as a volunteer, and river water to dip yourself in!”

I was intrigued and unsure at the same time – a I was not ready to be part of any spiritual movement. But the resigned traveller in me gave in and I found myself in this beautiful Ashram (the Indian name for a spiritual setup) after an hour’s drive. There was a guest house that welcomed me with beautiful rooms and basic amenities. The administrative person-in-charge handed me the keys and showed me my room – requesting me to carry my own luggage. I was more than happy to do so – as all I needed was a nice shower and some rest.

As I came out of my room well rested in two hours’ time, I saw a Yogi (a Mystic) sitting under a tree in the garden that overlooked my room. I realized I was looking at the Master of this tranquil place and found myself drawn to him. As I came closer, he looked at me, smiled and said softly, “Why are you so angry? Did you see yourself in the large mirror kept at the entrance of the guest house you are staying in? Whom did you see in the reflection? Did you like who you saw?” I had not noticed the mirror, but I knew the answer instinctively. I would see a discontent, angry me who was disappointed with everything and everyone around him. Someone who would not be a pleasant person to have as company and this thought filled me with the need to understand more about myself and what I could do to get rid of the anger in me that looks for the mildest of excuses to erupt.

I gave in to the beautiful serene atmosphere and decided to spend the balance two weeks of my vacation in the company of the Yogi and his abode. My daily routine included:

• Waking up early and going for a stroll on the banks of the river that flowed past nearby
• Tending the gardens working with many other volunteers
• Spending a few hours at the library reading, contemplating
• Listening to live, relaxing music in the evenings
• And the best of all, sitting in silence in the meditation hall

As days would pass, I would look at myself in the large mirror as I came out of my room – the reflection looking back at me was smiling more often, looked relaxed and most of all, content with the day that had passed and looked forward to the day that lay ahead with nil expectations.

As I reflected more and more on myself during my stay there, a realization started to set in that showed me how I was expecting things of others when I could spend the same energy working on myself and developing a fresh perspective towards life and people around me. I realized that just like me, they have their own habits, cultures, conditionings and experiences which in turn shaped their reality and prompted their behaviour and conduct. Concentrating on myself is the best way to combat the feelings of disappointment and anger.

Since I have come back from Palampur, I have included the following practices in my daily life:

1. Starting my day early
2. Practicing breathing exercises every morning, following it up with Yoga
3. Meditating or Contemplating in silence for 45minutes
4. Painting or Sculpting or Writing (poem or a story or just an experience) over weekends
5. Reading something inspiring before I go to bed at night
6. Spending time with my family discussing my day with them and listening to theirs
7. Cooking a new dish for my family every week – Oh, this is therapeutic
8. And most importantly, taking note of the times when I started to get angry – this has now reduced significantly, and my efforts continue…

A few principles that are helping me maintain this balanced view towards life have been:

1. Every time I have an outlook different from the person in front of me, I focus on my breath – this grounds me, gives me time to process the other person’s viewpoint and prevents me from reacting
2. Stay away from debates and arguments – every time I sense a debate or argument starting to brew, I would politely put forth my view and idea if possible. If this is not possible, I would politely extract myself from the situation.
3. Contemplate on instances when I have reacted with anger – yes, I am still working on myself – this is a continuous process.
4. Remind myself constantly that everyone has a right to their opinion, and everyone learns at their own pace. Getting angry or uptight or emotional is not a solution – it only impacts me adversely with no guarantee that the person in front has benefitted.
5. Draw inspiration from everyone who is successful in their respective areas and acknowledge that a focussed, calm and persistent approach are the drivers to success.

Anger is a Force – it is Not Power! Force saps you of energy. Power gives you energy. The choice is quite evident, isn’t it?

As you invest in your life approach that gives you Power…Enjoy Life, Stay Healthy and Stress-Free!!

What do you think about Anger?

Is it a motivator or a destroyer?

“F*** YOU!!!”

“YOU are a dumbass!!!”

“I will show him WHO I AM!!!”

“Am I Talking to a WALL?!!”

Have you heard the above outbursts around you?

Today stress and anger are considered essential motivators for success. Anger is also glorified to show that you are powerful and important. It is a fashion to display stress and anger. In short, if you are busy with an important work, you should be stressed, and you can show anger – as if anger is a perk.

It is normal for a human to have anger as an emotion but having an anger issue is a serious problem. As per studies, 9% i.e. 22 million American adults have a history of impulsive angry behavior and have access to at least one gun. This proves the destructive nature of anger and its results in the recent past.

We know suppressing your anger is also unhealthy. So, the question arises – should we express our anger or not? Releasing your anger is good, the best way is to talk it out and recognizing that anger is an outcome of self-defeating negative thoughts.

But still, the question remains on how to avoid the anger generated by anxiety and stress? The simple answer is Create A Positive Environment. What is a positive environment?

It is an environment where we feel happy and safe. Most of us feel this way when we are given the environment where we

1. Can express our ideas freely
2. Do not feel discriminated
3. Have the freedom of creation
4. Are recognized for our work
5. Are trusted
6. Can have fun
7. Have opportunities to lead the way

When you are in a positive environment, you can freely talk about things that make you angry.

Let me tell you a story of a wise king who understood the power of a positive environment.

In the ancient city of Varanasi lived a king named Vikram.  He ruled the whole of the Indian subcontinent and was the king who looked into the welfare of his subjects personally. He used to visit the cities in disguise so he could understand the issues of his kingdom first-hand.

One night as he was walking outside his city walls near the banks of the river Ganga, he saw a bright light. Upon seeing closely, he saw the image of a beautiful divine lady walking away from his city walls.

Vikram asked,” Who are you, mother?”

The lady smiled and said, “I am the Goddess of wealth.”

Vikram bowed in gratitude and asked, “Where are you going at this hour?”

Goddess of wealth replied, “I am bored in your kingdom. I want to go away for some time.”

Vikram knew if the Goddess leaves, his kingdom will become poor. But he did not stop the Goddess and bowing his head said,” As you wish, Goddess”

After that night, Vikram saw the divine powers leaving his city – the Gods of welfare, Goddess of Food, Gods of Health and so on. All the Gods and Goddess of prosperity went away and Vikram accepted the fate. However, he was not disheartened or discouraged – so, he kept working towards the welfare of his kingdom.

One night, Vikram saw the Goddess of Truth and Wisdom leaving too. He bowed and said, “Goddess, I am your devotee and I have done nothing wrong. I cannot allow you to go. The positive environment which is still prevailing in my kingdom is due to your grace. My people are anxious, disturbed and angry due to their failures and they are scared. Still, they are talking freely and performing their work in peace because of the Truth and Wisdom still left in them. We can fight poverty, hunger, health, and other issues till we have a positive environment around us and this can only happen with Your grace.”

The Goddess of Truth and Wisdom smiled and said, “As you wish, I will not go.”

After a few, days Vikram saw that condition of his kingdom started improving and slowly he found himself greeting and welcoming back the Gods and Goddess into his kingdom. He welcomed them all with an open heart full of gratitude. Soon, his kingdom was back to its old glory and prosperity.

We can see as in this story, no matter what life throws at you, you can deal with all the stress and anger that arises within you if you chose to stay in a positive environment.

So, how will you deal with your anger?

1. Create a positive environment
2. Make friends in this environment
3. Create an open communication channel
4. Improve your communication skills
5. Have the patience to listen to others point of view
6. Express your points that make you angry with a dialogue
7. Exert your knowledge to understand the root cause of your anger
8. Realize that your negative outlook is the root cause of your anger
9. Earn the respect of others and give others their due respect

As you create a Positive Environment to combat your Anger issues…Enjoy Life, Stay Healthy and Stress-Free!!