“Forgiveness is the biggest healer”- when I told this to one of my clients, he did not believe me. Forgiveness sounded cowardly or unmanly to him. “If you have power, then you will teach a lesson to the person who has wronged you. Taking vengeance is the way of a man”, he said to me.
When I told another client of mine that forgiveness is the biggest healer she said, “I know. My religion also talks about it. I do it all the time.”
I asked, “Have you stopped judging yourself or others?”
“I don’t think so. I still feel I am judging myself or others”, she said.
This is what happens when you have not forgiven someone. This might be because you have not understood forgiveness.
Then what is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is understood differently by different people. The act of forgiving others which stems out of compassion is called forgiveness. With this, you really let go of your rage and negative emotions towards others and you feel neutral or peaceful towards the person or event from the moment you forgive. Your feelings do not change in the future even when there is no new negative occurrence.
So, to repeat, forgiveness is something that stems out of compassion. If your act of forgiveness is not stemming from compassion, then it will not work.
How to be in Compassion?
To be in compassion means that you have to understand the misfortune of others or you have a concern towards other person’s sufferings. But in today’s world, our thoughts are more centred towards our own welfare and comfort. With this mindset, getting into someone’s shoes and understanding their suffering is difficult. Hence to get into compassion, you have to follow the below steps:
- Get into a ‘good feeling’: Yes, think about some event from the past which gave you happiness or thinks of someone who brings happiness in your heart.
- Practice gratitude: Fill your heart with gratitude for what you have. This brings your focus on what you have instead of what you do not have, creating a greater positive feeling in your heart.
- Get into other’s shoes: Start thinking what your reasons might be if you have to behave in the way the person who offended you is behaving
- Give the benefit of the doubt: Now start giving benefit of doubt to people who have offended you, telling yourself that they might be having good reasons or compulsions (Like you have discovered in Step 3) to behave in a non-favourable manner
- Start Feeling their suffering: Now feel how much they will be suffering to act the way they are acting today.
With the completion of the 5th step, you will be in compassion towards others and with this, if you practice forgiveness, it will happen.
How to Forgive?
Once you are in compassion, follow the below process:
- Bring the person whom you want to forgive on your mental plane
- Forgive the person for what he/she has done to you with complete sincerity and feeling
- Ask for forgiveness from the person for whatever you have done knowingly or unknowingly to hurt him/her
- Inform the other person mentally that your account with him is balanced and ask him to continue on his/her life journey
- Take a deep breath in and let go of the person
This process of forgiveness not only helps forgive others but yourself too. If you are the one who needs forgiveness, make sure you follow the same steps given above. The only change will be that you have to be sympathetic about yourself and less harsh in your judgement towards yourself. Do appreciate yourself and keep an appreciation journal if you can.
You might be thinking how someone can be so harsh on himself. Believe me knowingly or unknowingly we all are judging ourselves. So even if you feel you have not done something wrong ask for forgiveness from others. You will find an unknown pressure lifting from your shoulders.
Sometimes it is not easy to reach the state of compassion or forgiveness in straight forward steps given above. Then you need to talk to a professional or write a journal to create acceptance in your heart for others. By writing your emotions in a journal you let out your bitterness towards others. When you have fewer negative emotions like anger, jealousy, sadness etc., then you can be compassionate towards others.
Benefits of Forgiveness:
Forgiveness has its own physical, mental and spiritual benefits. Here are the physical and mental benefits of it. Forgiveness:
- Keeps anger in check
- Keeps depression away
- Keeps stress in check
- Keeps your mind solution-oriented
- Keeps it away from a victim mentality
- Gives you back the command on your own mind
- Helps in keeping your hypertension in check
- Generates higher positive mindset towards life
- Keeps you in peace and harmony
- Improves your self-esteem
- Keeps your heart healthy
- Helps you create a good relationship
- Helps you keep your immune system strong
- Declutters your mind
- Keeps away conflicting thoughts
Power coaching and other coaching styles use forgiveness as one of the tools to bring you out from a ‘victim mentality’ to ‘creator mentality’. Take these easy steps to forgive yourself and others. Write to me if you are facing an issue forgiving someone by writing an email to me.
Till you read my next blog, till then Keep Forgiving,Stay Healthy, and Stress-free!
